Buttercup, Female Orc Princess/Fighter
Torek, Male Dwarf Cleric
Egnarts, Male Human Sorcerer
Lupin Damakos, Female Tiefling Rogue
+ Willow, Cat Animal Companion
Humperdink, Female Dragonborn Fighter
+ Fjord, Dire Wolf Animal Companion
Henrick, Male Human Warlock
Wizbang Dazzle Pants, Male Drow Wizard
Enuffdain, Male Elf Paladin
A brief explanation: Normally Buttercup is an NPC played by me. However, my friend George came to play and he didn't have a character ready. So in tonight's episode, Buttercup will be played by George - in his own inimitable way!!!
Suddenly, a similar gem flies through the crumbling stone and attaches to Lupin's purloined jewel, forming one large gem. Everyone is shocked, but before any questions can be raised, eight Minotaurs begin to pour through the double doors. Unlike the large savage Minotaurs The Heroes encountered in the past (see Chapters 4, 5, and 12), These bovines seem to possess intelligence, as well as armor and weapons.
Beau unceremoniously empties a large burlap sack at Egnarts' feet. Shattering the surrounding tiles on impact, Buttercup rises from the debris. The Minotaurs demand Lupins' gem, but The Heroes decide to head them off at the pass and rustle them doggies up, because there is too much at steak. Egnarts, Henrick, and Wizbang deploy their arcane might from afar while Torek, Lupin, Buttercup, Humperdink, and Enuf engage the herd in physical fisticuffs.
Buttercup attempts to seduce a horny Minotaur with a long sword by batting her eyelashes and chin whiskers enticingly. Raising her dress, the helpless Minotaur, Elmer, is beguiled by her calves (best pun of the night!!!). They embrace in a fetid kiss, while Buttercup attempts to bludgeon her unsuspecting suitor. Elmer thinks that Buttercup likes it rough, and reciprocates with equal force in a disturbing, feral mating ritual.
The Heroes and Minotaurs form a circle. Lupin and Beau trade missed swing after swing, until Lupin finds her stride and chops away at Beau's defenses until he finally falls. The Heroes gather the gem and order the remaining Minotaurs to depart. Once in close proximity, the two gems fly together and interlock.
With the acrid taste of each other's caustic saliva intermingling with their tears, Buttercup and Elmer break their torrid embrace. Like Montagues and Capulets, the star-crossed lovers know that their forbidden love is not to be. With only scars and bruises to remember each other by, the bestial paramours bid each other a found adieu. Searching the temple and Count Christoph's remains, The Heroes find a series of puns.
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 2: Laws of Shore Leave.**
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 3: A small crispy wafer ablaze.***
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 4: 1,000 ancient banners.****
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 5: A Southern lass on shore leave.*****
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 6: A painting of generals and sergeants that goes on and on.******
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 7: A prisoner's college fund.*******
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 8: After prayers breath fresheners.********
HORRIBLE PATRIOTIC PUN NUMBER 9: 2,000 pounds of sick pork.*********
The biggest shock of the night occurs when Egnarts becomes the voice of reason. He urges everyone to calm down and talks to Lupin in a fatherly manner. He assures her that she can keep the gem, but must tell them everything she knows. Lupin relates that the gem is from the crown of King Thundarr that she recovered from Raven Redwing (see chapter 3). She also reiterates that she doesn't know anything about the gem and its powerful attraction to similar gems. Wizbang is still not satisfied, however Egnarts reassures her that she can keep the gem, BUT must inform the others immediately of any inexplicable occurrences.
At one point, Wizbang is reduced to zero hit points and travels to Sigil (an inter-dimensional plane in the center of the universe). He is subsequently returned to the Astral Plane, where he inadvertently opens an extra dimensional rift. The black hole grows wider and wider, sucking in The Heroes, as well as the Purple Worm. The Heroes find themselves hurdling through Crimson colored skies, heading right toward the mouth of a volcano!!!
To be continued? ? ?
And so this was where the session was meant to end, at 11:50. But drunken protest forced a longer session then normal.
Epilogue
The Heroes find themselves hurling toward the earth. Using all of their transporting, flying, and cheating meta-gaming skills they possess, all of The Heroes manage to land safely on the shore of the volcano. However, they find themselves separated into small groups.
To be continued? ? ?
And yet more protest for the game to continue from a vocal few (one, actually).
But first, there was a dramatic reading of the legend of Socool.
And then, with most of the players departing: the coda for the evening.
Coda
Three players remained:
Egnarts, Male Human Sorcerer
Lupin Damakos, Female Tiefling Rogue + Willow, Cat Animal Companion
Wizbang Dazzle Pants, Male Drow Wizard
To be continued? ? ?
This was Mike/Egnarts' last physical session with us before he moved to Buffalo. He promises to continue playing via Skype. Mike was our DM before I took over, and our previous party was left languishing in a dungeon of mystery. He wants to pick up that adventure where we left off, and suggested alternating DM duties/campaigns every other month. So regular readers may soon be regaled by two separate campaigns featuring our ersatz Heroes. Stay Tuned!!!
* William the author: William = bill; author = writes – Bill of Writes (Rights).
** Laws of Shore Leave: Laws = statute; shore leave = liberty – Statute (Statue) of Liberty.
*** Small crispy wafer ablaze: Small crispy wafer = cracker; ablaze = fire – Fire cracker.
**** 1,000 ancient banners: 1,000 = grand; ancient = old; banner = flag – Grand Old Flag.
***** Southern lass on shore leave: Southern Lass = belle; shore leave = liberty – Liberty Belle (Bell)
****** A painting of generals and sergeants that goes on and on: Generals = stars; sergeants = stripes; on and on = forever – Stars and Stripes Forever
******* A prisoner's college fund: Prisoner's = con's; college fund = tuition – Con's Tuition (Constitution)
******** After prayers breath fresheners: After prayers = amen; breath fresheners = mints – Amen Mints (Amendments)
********* 2,000 pounds of sick pork: 2,000 pounds = ton; sick = ill; pork = ham – Ham Ill Ton (Hamilton)
Each Player received a random Drama Card for solving a pun.
Next: Chapter 15 - Back to the Beginning
Previous: Chapter 13 - Astral Illogical Part 2